Thursday, June 09, 2005

Blindy McBlindstrom

After reading Estella's astute - and freaking hilarious - post about her suddenly blind mother, it made me think of my own. *sigh* this one's for you, Ma [who is reading this right now. Right now!!]....

One week before my wedding.

Mom : oh, by the way, when I woke up this morning I couldn't see.
Me : ??
Mom : hello?
Me : ??
Mom : so anyway, I drove myself to the Eye Doctor and he says I have a cataract. What crap. I do not have a cataract. He says that he can do this 'simple procedure' and I'm like yeah, that's gonna happen and his perky little fucking assistant is all [squeaky voice] 'do you want me to schedule you for surgery tomorrow' and I'm all [squeaky voice] 'no thanks'
Me : um... well if you can't see.... maybe?.... surgery?....
Mom : pffft... so I looked it up on the internet, and it says...
Me : mom, this is no time to be playing Web MD - just go get it fixed
Mom : no, no, no, I am too busy

**days later**
Mom : [crying] Ok, I have to go tomorrow.... for my eye, I mean.
Me : well, I'm glad you're doing it. You need to take care of yourself.
Mom : yeah... but... what if I have to.... [bursts into a wail] wear an eyepatch??
Me : then I'll call everyone and tell them to dress like pirates, it'll be fine.
Mom : you can't have a pirate wedding! What if my eyeball melts or falls out?
Me : um, then we'll have a cyclops wedding. Who cares?
Mom : pirate wedding.... you're making fun of me, aren't you?

The next day she had her whole lens replaced and now has what we call a Bionic Eye. It looks just the same (the lens is an inside piece for those of you who haven't dissected one lately), but the faux lens inside sometimes reflects light from the side [your natural lens is milky white and named after a lentil bean] so it sparkles sometimes. She obssesses about it, thinking that people are relating her to the Terminator, but really it looks kind of fancy. Actually, it looks sparkly like this

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