Monday, August 02, 2004

the First and the Last

I am the oldest of my cousins*, and that was supposed to mean something. It's supposed to make me special somehow. Growing up, I was the one that was consulted for advice, seeing as how I am the oldest. I was the one that could keep a secret and sneak out a window. I was the one with her own car and a license to drive and mischief on my mind. I was supposed to be the first at everything, but lately I am coming in dead last.

I am so bitterly jealous of the upticks in everyone else's lives that it makes me want to scream. I know it's petty jealousy, so keep your "voice of reason" comments to your own damn self. I know that I have plenty to be thankful for, but it gets hard for me sometimes when I see my younger cousins buying steel faced refrigerators for their new house, or bouncing their god damned gorgeous babies. Especially when I am fretting over rent money on my stupid little 2 bedroom apartment with my rented appliances. When they buy a new car with their bonus money or win a sales contest at work and get $5,000 for a vacation. I want to rip my hair out when they are upgrading the diamonds on their wedding rings and all that I can afford is to stay home and vacuum and have sex, just to break the monotony of housework, all the while hoping that maybe - just maybe - one of those little freakin' speemies can make it to Virginia** and I can join the ranks of motherhood and have an adorable baby that will make their babies look like freak shows in comparison. Or maybe I should wait... postpone it all and have a Sex and the City life of swinging and threesomes and strangers and rock-n-roll...

Egads, you probably just learned WAY more about the "real" me than you ever wanted to, and I am sure at least one of you can turn this selfish post into your Psych 101 term paper. Sigh.

* this isn't true, Cousin Ryan is actually older, but he was/is a pain-in-the-ass boy, so he doesn't count
** after a sex ed. class at school, my friend's niece asked her "Aunt Gail, I understand the part about the periods, and about the difference between boys and girls... but how do the speemies get to Virginia?"

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