But this year's tree... um... well, for starters, it isn't dying. Which is okay, I guess, but we've done everything possible to ensure that this tree would be a crispy firehazard by Christmas Day. We bought one that was too big and crammed it into the wrong size tree stand, which left little room for water and I am fairly sure that we skipped watering a few days (by mistake!). The insides of the branches are still covered in needles (from before it was opened -- if you open it outside or at the lot like everyone else, these get shaken loose and make less mess on your carpet and reduce your flamabilty by 72%). It's loaded with cheap lights and all manner of shiny gee-gaws that could set ants aflame with a single flicker.
And yet, it survives. And good for it! Except... well, now there's this rustling sound. Yesterday I watched an ornament from deep inside one of the sturdy branches just come flying out. As if the tree is tossing them off itself. And only a minute ago, it shuddered and some of the beads slipped down. Which leaves only the following explanations:
- the tree is peeling off the ornaments like a bad bra after a long day at work (amen!)
- the ghost of Christmas Ornaments is chucking out the ones he/she doesn't like
- Santa left an elf behind
- I'm going to get mauled in the face, Clark Griswold style