getting squirrely

Now is the time of year where the Christmas trees begin to crackle and die and disrobe themselves, so that every morning there are a few more ornaments lying on the floor. It's a sad part of the Christmas Tree life cycle, but it's expected. We mourn and move on.

But this year's tree... um... well, for starters, it isn't dying. Which is okay, I guess, but we've done everything possible to ensure that this tree would be a crispy firehazard by Christmas Day. We bought one that was too big and crammed it into the wrong size tree stand, which left little room for water and I am fairly sure that we skipped watering a few days (by mistake!). The insides of the branches are still covered in needles (from before it was opened -- if you open it outside or at the lot like everyone else, these get shaken loose and make less mess on your carpet and reduce your flamabilty by 72%). It's loaded with cheap lights and all manner of shiny gee-gaws that could set ants aflame with a single flicker.

And yet, it survives. And good for it! Except... well, now there's this rustling sound. Yesterday I watched an ornament from deep inside one of the sturdy branches just come flying out. As if the tree is tossing them off itself. And only a minute ago, it shuddered and some of the beads slipped down. Which leaves only the following explanations:

• the tree is peeling off the ornaments like a bad bra after a long day at work (amen!)
• the ghost of Christmas Ornaments is chucking out the ones he/she doesn't like
• Santa left an elf behind
• I'm going to get mauled in the face, Clark Griswold style