Wednesday, June 11, 2008

home improvement

If you're thinking about starting a DIY project, let's say, refinishing a futon frame - let me offer you some advice: DON'T!!!! For the love of jeebus and kittens and boysenberry pie, I beg you to just... don't.

Because this is how it will go. Trust me. You will spend more money on sanders and sandpaper than you did on the g.d. futon itself. And the sanding? It will be slow. And slow. And then when you take a break, you will realize that you cannot feel your fingers and your wrist is zinging like lightning. And then hours later, your whole forearm will cramp. And you will wake up in the middle of the night to get the heating pad to wrap your whole arm in. And the next day you will only be able to type with one finger. And you will only be 1/16th of the way done. And your boogers will be made of sawdust, despite the mask that you wear while sanding.

And THEN when you start painting (even though your husband tells you to wait until you've sanded all the parts, not just one), you'll see all the spots where the gloss from the previous paint didn't come off. And you will say fuck it and just paint thicker and it will look kind of spotty and streaky and you will not care. And you will paint the frame and feel pretty okay about it - not great, but okay. And you will decide to not paint all the slats because they'll rarely be seen and it is TOO MUCH DAMN WORK to sand all those fucking slats. And you will say fuck way more than you should.

And THEN you will realize that oh yeah! You forgot to sand the arm pieces. DUH! And you will realize that the previous futon owners had a dog who chewed on part of the arm, which means MORE SANDING FOR YOU. And you will feel exhausted and debate the merits of just leaving it all half finished. Or delay finishing it until next summer. And THEN you will get a note on your front door, telling you that hey! The association has decided to power-wash and paint your house this week! Starting Friday! So get every. single. thing. off of your patio. Which means that you have to double-time on the sanding and painting so the fucking thing can dry by Thursday so that you can move it into the house. Oh, and Thursday? Yeah, your husband is going to book a show for that night so that you won't even be home to be painting the damn futon in the dark. So you really have to be done by Wednesday. Oh! And TODAY is Wednesday.

And THEN you will want to stab people. With a sander. Only your wrist will be too damaged to hold it up (it's heavy! And the handle was designed for someone with giant gorilla hands!). And while you're dreaming of sanding people to death, you will over-reach at the cat in the planter boxes and scrape the whole front of your leg off on the edge of the brick.

My advice to you: Save your pennies and buy a NEW futon that is exactly how you want it.


Giggly said...

Awwww... Sucky! Can yo leave the futon out to be pressure washed and painted :)

Sizzle said...

Hey, you convinced me. That sounds asstastic! UGH!

Miss Bliss said...

Ahhhhhhhhh yes grasshopper now you learn...DIY really means THIS ONLY LOOKS FUN WHEN SOMEONE ELSE IS DOING IT. I say...if you give up your aesthetic and simply buy some good primer and some good dark paint you could cover that sucker in one coat of each and be done! Primer means never having to sand.


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