Thursday, February 24, 2005

uglier than yours

In general, local commercials are cheesy. You know the ones -- where they pay the cable company a few hundred bucks to film a commercial featuring their furniture store, sandwich shop, etc. and add in a geeky song track? But I have to say that of the local commercials, the cheesiest by far are the local car dealership commercials. [The exception being, of course, Cal Worthington whose TV spots with "his dog, Spot" are classic Americana]

Here is the recipe to a car dealership commercial that I will hate (also the same as the recipe to every dealership commercial ever filmed) :
  • the narrator should use broken english or improper grammar
  • the person depicted should look extremely uncomfortable in a suit
  • the song should be extremely cheesy - a Ray Parker, Jr. rip-off is advised
  • the owner's kids should be prominently featured "my daddy sells the best backed cars in America!"
  • the owner's kids should be hideously ugly and for some reason, not camera-shy
  • the commercial should be updated every 6 months, so that the 'rest of us' can see how much the kid has grown "oh wow - she finally has hair growing in the front" "aw...her lazy eye isn't googling anymore!" "when is that kid getting braces already??" "oh, there they are - dad must've sold another Mustang"
  • a slogan should be chosen and then beat. to. death. "the second happiest place on earth*" will be slightly modified for the newly acquired Honda dealership "the other second happiest place on earth"
  • a slow pan of the dealership grounds, complete with mist and fog effects is essential
  • the owner's kids should be shown tackling the putt-putt course or soccer field, to show that kids are welcome here - sure! they'd love to hang out and play 3 holes of mini golf while you haggle over power windows!!

*the Happiest Place on Earth slogan belongs to Disneyland, so it's not uncommon for businesses around here to tweak it to fit their means : the happiest pancakes on earth, the friendliest place on earth, etc.

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