Wednesday, January 19, 2005

pissing contest

Yesterday one of my co-workers tells me that she's leaving work early to go to the gynecologist (she really does say it that small) and she complains about the traffic-laden drive up the freeway to Mission Viejo. I say 'hey that's where my gyno's office is too! Isn't that such a pain in the ass to get there in all that lame traffic?' and she agrees that it is and I go on to babble about how I really like him though and he's totally worth the traffic.

She says that she likes her doc a lot and I counter with the stories about how he calls me at home at night to discuss my questions, when he can't get to it during the day. She retorts that her doctor has set her up with a top notch infertility guy and I say my guy is an infertility guy, which is just another feather in his cap. That way, no matter what happens with my brains or uterus or whatever decides to foresake me next, he has a handle on it. She says that her doctor is good about scheduling her in quickly and I say that although I am on a regular just-see-the-dude-annually basis, he totally remembers me and asks about work and school and personal things. I really like his bedside manner and he's so courteous and professional.

She finally agrees that my guy is better than hers and I puff my chest up a little and grin smugly to myself. She then starts to walk away, and then steps back, "hey, what's your doctor's name by the way?" "Kurt Miller" "No way! Me too! We have the same doctor!" much tittering and ha ha ha's were exchanged. Then she turned to leave again "I'll tell him you said 'hi'!"

All night that last part stuck in my head. Is it inappropriate to tell your gyno that someone says 'hi'? I mean, where do you begin? At what part of the exam do you spring it on him? Do you rush it when he walks in? Just shove it right in between the "hello" and "what brings you in today" spiel? Do you wait until after? When he's disposing of the glove and making notes in your chart? God forbid, you actually bring it up DURING the exam. How awkward is that? "Speaking of your hand shoved up my crotch, Mia says hi!" And then what if he doesn't remember? How do you describe a person who is known mainly by their genitalia, which hopefully you have limited knowledge of (you are co-workers after all). "You know... Mia? Red hair, short, mid-twenties?" And if he doesn't remember, how far do you persist? "The one with the freckle on her inner thigh? The clit piercing? The double nipple rings? Not ringing any bells?" "hmmm... no, I can't say that it is. I see so many vaginas, you know..." "Oh! How about this? Brazilian bikini wax? Tattoo of a naked lady on her vulva? 2 back alley abortions at 15?" "OH! THAT Mia. Great! How's she doing? Has her chlamydia cleared up yet or should I call in another round of antibiotics?"

CREEEEEEPY.

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