Saturday, September 20, 2003

Quiet on the set!

A freakin' hilarious and disturbing post by Jason made me laugh and cry... say "ew" and reminisce about my old neighbors...

Ryan and I used to rent a condo from a family friend. When we moved in, Family Friend pointed out the highlights of the community (pools, spas, tennis courts, etc.) and then slipped in "except the people downstairs... they listen to Barry White." OK... what the hell does that mean?

So we moved in and all was well. About a week later, we had a housewarming-type shin dig. Since it was a new place, people were milling around the whole house, marveling at the walk in closets and Ryan's new art studio... until they came back from the bedroom giggling. What? What did they find?

No, they didn't find any incriminating nudie pics (cleverly hidden in the wall safe), but instead they could hear the downstairs neighbors having sex. Yes, we are the most immature people in the world, so we all went into Ryan's studio and listened to the "oohs" and "aahs" and giggled. Hee Hee.

Fast forward three months. Ryan and I are laying in bed, trying to fall asleep... "ugh. How long are they going to keep going like this?" "yeah, it was funny at first... but three hours later, it's like climax already!" "seriously" "oh geez. there she goes with her screaming again" "ear plugs?" "yes, thank you" "I am so tired. Did they wake you up last night?" "yes... geez... they started up for the third time around 3 and were still screaming when I got up for work at six." "these people need a TV in their bedroom" "amen"

It carried on like this *literally* every day.... maybe 8 times a day on weekends. It started out as amusing, but seriously when you wake up to a woman screaming "oh jesus, fuck me deeper" every night... it gets old. Honestly, it does. And the man had a deep, rich voice like Barry White and spoke like that too "oooh yeeeeaaah bay-bay"

It was always embarrassing to have people over to our house, because regardless of the time of day or night, the two nymphos downstairs were going at it. It made dinner with the folks downright awkward.

Then, I guess, the sex got boring. So instead of hearing the woman shrieking alone, you'd now hear two women. Or three. Sometimes two women and two men. It was To say the least.

The last night that we lived in that condo, our house was empty, except for our bed, so every word spoken echoed through the whole house. Of course, this only amplified the shenanigans going on downstairs. It was so bad, that around 4am, some of the other neighbors came out of their house to yell. "shut your windows" "my kids are crying" "you perverts" I honestly don't think the Team downstairs heard any of it. My husband and I went outside and joined some of the others standing along the sidewalk, begging for the windows to be closed, and that's when I saw it. Bright light. Brilliant light. It all made sense... they weren't sex perverts. They were making Porn downstairs.

So if you ever rent a movie and in the background you hear "For reals, people, close your damn window" that's me. I hope they spelled my name right in the credits.

The next morning, my mother in law came over to help us with the last of the boxes and she found a note on our front door. Ryan read it aloud for us all, and basically, it said that we were obviously "new here" (they saw the moving van in the driveway) but that we should know this is a "family" community and it was "disgusting and immoral" to carry on the way that we did. It was "shameless." We laughed and laughed and laughed... they thought it was US making all that noise - and XXX videos! Even though we spent less than 3 hours in that house after receiving the note, I just couldn't leave it that way. I took the note back to the neighbor that wrote it and told her face-to-face that it wasn't us, but good luck.

I've watched the police blotter to see if those people ever got a ticket for operating without a business license or something... not yet.

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